My Weekend

It's been quite a weekend, to say the least. I recount it here: "The Worst Blizzard and the Best Lasagna."

If you're so inclined to vote for me in a giveaway contest, please read "Vote for Me...Maybe."

I Bid the Prim Community Adieu

This is something that has been very painful for me the past several weeks. I don't know what it is about me, but as a whole, the prim community does not like me or anything I have to offer. Please, please, don't think this post is intended to those of you who have supported me, commented, emailed kind words to me, etc. I think - at least I hope - you know who you are. Rather, this is intended to the community at large.

What I have found in talking with others is that if you're not 100% prim, you don't exist. Why? My gosh, I've even read comments from prim-sters who scoff at the country look - as if people who like country decor are the lowest of the low. Wow...just wow! Be a little more tolerant, people. The world doesn't need any more judgmental, self-righteous people.

Some of you - at least the three winners of my last giveaway here - knew that I was getting saddened by the lack of support. In fact, the winners are the ONLY ones who even bothered to comment on my post declaring them winners. How absolutely rude to them...even if you were trying to get a rather pointed message to me. I see congratulatory comments on all the other giveaway posts, but none on the last one. That pretty much told me right there that y'all were so relieved you didn't win - lol! Of course, most of you didn't even sign up, and that's fine. I know I suck to most of you in the prim world.

I tried to offer (for FREE, as a VOLUNTEER) so much to the prim community, such as writing newsletters, posting twice a day on a couple forums' blogs since they wanted their forums and blogs to grow. I did the twice daily, keyword rich postings on my Sunburnt Cow Handmade Shop and Handmade Teddy Bears and Raggedies. Those two blogs are now on Google's pages one and two for certain important keywords. I wanted to do this for those two forums, but the admins either didn't support me or couldn't even be bothered to give me a response (despite my follow up private messages). Wow, just wow. So okay...I suck to y'all. Fine.

But I had hopes that the prim community would at least support the Udderly Amazing New Shop Contest. After all, it wouldn't be supporting me, but new artisans. But I guess since my name is attached to it...icky pooh - lol!

Ah well...

So with these things that have been going on for the past several weeks and seeing people having plenty of time to support other people's endeavors, yes, I do have to take this personally. So I'm picking up my marbles and going home.

I will still continue this blog, but it will be spotlighting blogs I've recently discovered that revolve around prim, country, romantic, vintage, etc. I'll also post all kinds of giveaways that I've found. So yes, this blog will continue, but under a different guise.

Edited to add: I posted a follow up to this post.

Additionally, some people seem to think I wrote this because I didn't get enough comments on my blogs or on forums. If you think this way, try to re-read the two posts with an open mind. You will see I wrote NOTHING of the sort! If you prefer to think that I'm an attention whore and get my feelings easily hurt, then by all means, if that makes you feel better about yourself to believe that, go for it, but it's not my reality, nor is it many other people's experience with the prim community at large. As it is, I'm so thankful for those who have actually READ and UNDERSTOOD these two posts. I'm also thankful for those who have shared their hurtful stories of the prim community through comments and emails.

Very Touched

I have to admit to being very touched over the responses I've received regarding my writing prompt from Mama Kat's. I expected a hailstorm of judgment, but instead, I received lots of empathy. I'm still trying to process it all.

Sense of Entitlement

Love this video -

"Everythings Amazing and Nobodys Happy."

Snowing and My Goofball

I've been busy the last few days tending to my various blogs and compiling some Q and A's for an article I'm doing, as well as writing up some blog posts for featured artisans over at the Sunburnt Cow. I don't like doing the usual Q and A, cuz that can be boring when you see the same questions over and over again. Thankfully, one of the participants said it was nice to be asked questions that were different from the norm. (And being an Aquarian, I am different from the norm - lol).

Oh, speaking of which, my son and I had wonderful birthdays. This year was certainly better than last year's b-day for me. Last year for my b-day, I spent all day crying. Just one of those "Ick, what a waste my life has been" moments. But since discovering an attitude of gratitude, which is still with me, I'm a lot more content. Sure, this confounded computer still takes a long time to load a page (upwards of ten minutes if I want to click the follow a blog option), which makes my work go soooo much slower. But hey, at least I have a computer! Anyway, last year's b-day was one of the worst, especially since the only people (aside from my son) who wished me a happy b-day on the actual day were my ex-fiance (the lawyer) and an ex-boyfriend who turned out to be a cad.

This year, I was happy, and while we couldn't really do anything special like going out (lack of car and lack of civilization), it was still fun. I did get to do something special and immerse myself in about eleven hours of the last season of "24." Another tear jerker, as they always are. I didn't even do any work, so that was a plus.

Lately, the weather here - up until today - has been very pleasant, with highs in the upper 30s and lower 40s. About a foot of snow melted, which was nice, though it does make things slippery. Last weekend, we had 72 mph gusts of wind, and today we're getting pretty windy, too, though not as bad as last weekend. We're also getting a few inches of snow. Probably an inch has fallen in the past hour. Temps with wind chill are below zero again. This inclement weather is supposed to last only for a couple days, then we'll get back up to the 30s. Yay!

A client of mine wondered if I might like to ghost write a book with her. I initially said yes, but I'll have to see. I've been a ghost writer for others, without any credit, which is kinda sorta what I don't want to do any more. If I can have some credit, using a nom de plume, that'd be much better. I used to blog for a couple guys who were regular fixtures on CNN financial news. They loved my work, but since I'm a total ditz whenever you start mentioning numbers, I had to quit that project. I couldn't figure out if I was re-writing their interviews in a coherent fashion since anything to do with financial stuff in incoherent to me! Then I wrote for one of those overnight millionaires about positive thinking, but you can only repeat certain mantras over and over without it becoming boring or me feeling like I wasn't adding anything more. I tend to want to write succinctly, and I kept thinking: "Okay, I just wrote about this last week. Why do I have to keep writing about the same stuff over and over again?" That's why I'm so excited about my various blog projects because it's always something new and different! Anyhoo, I guess I just have to see what the project is all about that my client/friend is asking me to do.

Well, I have the package already to send off to the giveaway winner. It's too slippery to walk to the post office today and tomorrow, so hopefully by Monday the roads will be in better shape. I'll be able to send Deb's package off then, too.

Here's a few pictures to tickle your funny bone. I wonder if you can tell what it is from the very first picture.

It's Tessa having one of her many "zen moments." She usually gets right up when she hears me getting up, but in this instance, she was really zoning out, and I was finally able to take some pictures of her. I was so surprised that she let me.

Got any funny captions for the above photos? I'd love to hear them!

Gratitude, Part 2

Well, my newfound contentment and attitude of gratitude got a test yesterday. It was just one of those days where a bunch of annoying little things piled up. Kind of like that saying of death by a thousand papercuts - lol!

It all started with discovering that the inbred's Rottweiler got into my trash and spread it all over my front porch and part of my front yard. I could tell it was the inbred's dog due to the paw prints and the fact that the lid to the garbage can was torn off. No cat could do that. The sturdy hinge that kept it from being opened to easily by cats was torn off and the lid was all bent. Then to be treated to the inbred dog's pooping and peeing all over my yard isn't too pleasant either. Of course, it upsets my dogs, but since the inbred has the right last name, he's allowed to do whatever he wants.

He's even now disrupting the peace and quiet of the town with his revving of his several snowmobiles. (Wow, they're loud). When we first moved here, a friend of my son's came over driving his snowmobile. Within 20 minutes of his arrival, the sheriff came by and told him it's illegal to drive the snowmobile in town. Of course, my son's friend didn't have an inbred last name, so he got in trouble. The inbreeds here can do no wrong.

At any rate, trash strewn all over my porch and yard didn't start the day off on a bright note, but life is what it is. Then the puppy wanted to constantly go outside (probably trying to eat the various crumbs of the trash I couldn't pick up because it was pretty much frozen into the ground by the time I discovered it). Then she barked incessantly. (Now she's barking at the snowmobile. Although now it looks like one of his snowmobiles isn't working, cuz he's being towed by a truck. * giggle* )

Then I had to do a writing job I don't particularly care to do. Now usually when I receive these types of writing jobs, I procrastinate. I dunno...I guess I hope the end of the world will come about so I don't have to do them - lol! But procrastinating only draws out my misery. There have been days that I resist doing certain writing assignments because I have to pretend I like something and give it glowing reviews. (Ugh, I hate doing that)! So, since I put it off, my "misery" lasts a whole heck of a lot longer than if I would quickly do the job.

Yesterday, I decided to be grateful for the job and went right to work. I psyched myself up when I woke up. Usually I get out of bed and think "Ugh, my whole day is ruined cuz I have to do that icky stuff." But I put a more positive spin on it. "Today, I'm grateful for this work. I'll be getting half a week's pay for just three or four hours of work." And voila! I wrote the thing up and finished pretty quickly. The words just flowed, which was great! Plus, I didn't have it hanging over my head, permeating my day. Yay!

Tessa the puppy still is an annoyance, but it's a self contained annoyance. I just looked outside because both my dogs are now barking, and...ee gads...the rottweilers are multiplying. There's now two of them in the street. Ugh!

Anyhoo, Tessa being annoying didn't affect the rest of my day. Before, I would have let it. That, and living in this icky town. When a couple of my friends visited me (on separate occasions), they each said the town reminded them of the movies Deliverance and Children of the Corn - lol! I hadn't seen either movie at that point, but I got their drift. I did see the former, and yep, I can see that comparison - lol!

So yeah, I could've done my usual drift into self pity and woe is me, "I must've died and gone to hell" routine, but I didn't. I still dislike intensely living amongst these terrible people, but I have a wonderful house that's paid for and a wonderful view out my back window. (As to how terrible the people are in this town, if you disagree with them, they'll deliberately run your kittens down in front of your eyes and kill them all. Or call child protective services on you. Yep, that happened. Not to me, but to a friend of mine. Just the usual harassment they do around here against the non-inbreds).

Am I still chipper and full of contentment despite a couple issues being brought up yesterday? Yes, I still am. I had plenty of happy moments throughout the day, all over a steadily building foundation of contentment. Whew...hope I pass the next tests!

Gratitude

My life is definitely not how I envisioned it. Because of that, I guess you could say I've had a midlife crisis for the past couple years. You know...the regrets...the self-recrimination...the what could have beens. There were so many opportunities that I let slip past. There for awhile, I was kind of drowning in all my regrets. Geez, it seemed every hour there was a reminder of what could have been. With such a mindset, every thought kind of spiraled into more regret. I wouldn't say I had a full fledged depression, but oh boy...soooo much sadness and regret. So many "what ifs" and "what could have beens."

But life is what you make of it. Ohhhh, I've heard that many times...the ol' positive thinking, law of attraction...blahblah. It's hard to put into motion, especially when you want...nay, NEED...immediate positive reinforcement for your positive thoughts. How can you keep up with this positive thinking when there is so much crap and regrets around you? It's hard to re-map your thinking; you NEED reinforcement for your new way of thinking, and you need it NOW! How else will you find the fortitude to keep on keeping on with a new and positive way of thinking?

But sometimes, when we least expect it...after years of wanting to think positively...it comes. No fanfare, no big sign that says today is the first day of the rest of your life. Nothing but a slow and growing awareness.

It happened two and a half weeks ago when my computer was being particularly slow. It's a very slow thing to begin with. I have high speed internet, but no one told my computer - lol! I had to get out this rusty ol' computer last January when my laptop died. Computers aren't a luxury to me; they're a necessity because it is how I earn my living (freelance writing online). So whenever something goes wrong with my computer, I get very upset and worried.

Welllll, this ol' thing was taking its time. Now I'm not talking about taking a few seconds to load a page. Ah, now that would be a luxury! Nope, I'm talking about that it would literally take 15 minutes for a page to load. Yes, THAT long. NOT good! This happened for a good two days, no matter what I would do to try to speed it up.

I got frustrated. I got worried. I had to turn a job down. I cried...and cried and practically drowned in my self-pity.

Then there was the boy. He is a good lad, though I guess I can't call my baby a boy anymore. He's his own person and a man now. There he was...putting his hand on my shoulder as I stood hunched at my computer screen, trying not to show him I was crying. He quietly said it would be all right. He pointed out some passages he was just reading from an interview I had printed out (a 70+ page interview...rather long, eh?) I had read it a few months ago, but it's one thing to read something uplifting, and quite another to take it to heart.

The passages he pointed out to me were just what I needed. (Sorry, I'm not going to quote them or point them out, since I believe people's spirituality - as opposed to religion - are a very private matter). At any rate, something started to grow inside me. What had been laying dormant for many years finally started to grow...started to break out of that hard seed pod. Slowly but surely, gratitude started taking hold in my life. Just a small kernel, really, but then it grew to thousands of times its original size. It now permeates throughout my entire being.

I've had a day or two here and there where I woke up happy and went to bed happy, but those kinds of days didn't last long. I suppose that's because they were shallow. My attitude of gratitude was just surface deep, so obviously it would vaporize when met with a solid object - like the usual daily negativity we humans experience. Sure, it helped that I did my daily practice of thinking of five things to be grateful for everyday, but sometimes I just begrudgingly checked off the list; it didn't get to my heart.

Ever since that day of my son quietly pointing out some paragraphs, every day is a joy. Oh, I still have days where my computer acts up, but at least it doesn't take 15 minutes to load a page. Basically, nothing has changed in my life at all. Nada, zip, zilch. BUT I have changed. My heart has changed. I am grateful for everything now. Even when the toilet was getting all temperamental the other day...as I was plunging it, I was grateful for being able to have indoor plumbing all these years. Even when my favorite burner on my stove wasn't working yesterday when I really needed it, I was grateful for it having worked all these years. I was grateful that I have a stove indoors to cook on.

Some people can't understand how I can get through life without a washer and dryer. Yeah, it's a challenge, BUT I have running water indoors! Isn't that something wonderful to be grateful for! Who says we have to have a washer and dryer to be happy? Who says we have to have the latest and greatest to feel fulfilled? Whoever says that just doesn't get it. Their gratitude and contentment are just transitory.

When people talk of a loss of a loved one, why not rejoice for all the years they had with their loved one. I have never experienced a mother's or a father's love. For those who have, don't be sad that they're gone. Be happy that you had all those years together!

For two and a half weeks, I have felt contentment. There's a vast difference between happiness and contentment. To me, contentment is an inner peace - knowing that no matter what happens, it's okay, and it's going to be okay, and it will always be okay. Happiness is more of a surface thing to me...it's transitory and cannot last. Contentment sets up roots inside you and will last forever, because the spirit lasts forever.

Lessons have always been painful to me...always. Geez, if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all - you know, that kind of thing. But during this time of metamorphosis for myself, I've learned two lessons that were delightful. One, winning those heart nesting bowls. I tend to be an impatient sort, and if I had held the contest, I would've had the "ya snooze, ya lose" attitude. If the person didn't check back on my giveaway to see if they had won within a certain amount of time, I would've drawn another name. Well, they were patient...they took the time to contact me.

Another lesson occurred last Friday. I went to my friends' house to water their plants while they're spending time in California. They let me use their washer and dryer while I'm there, so I've been doing a lot of rag quilting. Welllll...it's been terribly cold here. They wanted me to shut the door to the kitchen, where the washer and dryer are, to help save the costs of running their electric heater. It was 32 degrees in the kitchen (15 below zero outside). Something happened to the washer, and when I went to put things in the dryer, I discovered the whole kitchen floor was flooded! HELP! Luckily, they had about ten towels that I could sop up the water, wring out, and sop up some more. It was a long process cuz there was a LOT of water. I felt so terrible that this happened on my watch. I was also dreading how they would react. But they were kind to me. Their immediate thought was that they were sorry I didn't have access to a washer anymore. Wow! I could get used to learning lessons through kindness. Where do I sign up for such a school!?!

My life hasn't changed one bit, but I have. And that is the key to everything. How you view what happens to you determines if you'll be contented or not.

Service to others and an attitude of gratitude go hand in hand. They're now in my hands...holding each other warmly.

My Father, My Husband

Something I wrote back in the mid-1990s for a newsletter run by a women's shelter my son and I stayed at.

My Father, My Husband
By N.E. Phemayle (had to write anonymously, though this name was eventually considered too "political" when I started writing regularly for the newsletter.)

I met him on my first day at a new job. My initial response to him was one of immediate and intense hatred. I had never had such a strong reaction to anyone before. In fact, I almost quit my job because of him; he made going to work very stressful. The only words out of his mouth were invectives spewed against the world and all its inhabitants, except for himself. He'd constantly yell and hurl things across the room; he never smiled. He only laughed at other people's pain - a real deep belly laugh. I hated him....Two years later, I married him.

Why? What happened to all the warnings my intuition had given me? We were as different as night and day. He was a macho, cocky punk - always in and out of trouble with his parents, peers, police, and supervisors. The most trouble I ever got into was not living up to my family's precarious expectations. I was sweet, quiet, and gentle. I wouldn't say "crap" even if I had a mouthful of it; whereas he lived and breathed four letter words. We were the epitome of the "odd couple."

Why did I squelch my intuition and start a relationship with him? I've asked myself that question many times. I have no intellectually based answers, only an emotional one. Subconsciously, I recognized my father.

I had always wondered why my father abandoned me, and I yearned to find him and ask him, "Why didn't you love me, Daddy?" But it was not safe to contact my father; he was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and had threatened to kill me. I don't remember my father; I was two years old when I last saw him. Apparently at an unconscious level, however, I knew exactly what my father was like. My subconscious made the decision to find someone just like dear ol' dad, someone who could answer the question, "Why did you leave me, Daddy?" I found my father in this belligerent co-worker; he was paranoid schizophrenic, too.

I wasn't aware of his mental illness at the time, nor how like my father he really was. I was never attracted to him; he was not my physical type. And out of more than 30 traits I desired in a potential mate, he only had one. I can't say I was drawn to him; I didn't find him the least bit fascinating. He wasn't an addiction, because even the worst addictions have some euphoric moments.

No, he was more like some sort of mission I had to complete - a mission to find out who I was. Unseen dynamics set in motion the day I met him; the little girl in me recognized "Daddy." I could now begin to unlock the mystery of who my father was, who I was as defined by my father, and what it was in me that made my father abuse me and leave me. Through this sick surrogate relationship, I could perhaps redeem my sins as a baby and become lovable. He would make it all right that my father didn't love me. He would be my panacea for all my childhood fears and failings.

My greatest fear was of abandonment. He told me he was the one who was always left in relationships; he never initiated a break-up. I knew he would never leave me; as a result, I felt safe with him - or so I thought.

The abuse started gradually. I don't think anyone knowingly enters an abusive relationship. Abusers don't show their true nature all at once; if they did, no one would want to be around them. Similarly, an animal in the wild won't step into a trap if the trap is constantly opening and closing. The animal unwittingly steps into the trap and is then enmeshed. Many times, it must chew off its limb in order to regain freedom. Often times, victims of domestic violence must amputate a part (albeit an unhealthy one) of themselves in order to break free from the emotional, psychological, and/or physical prison they're in.

My abuser slowly and insidiously took control of my life. I didn't realize how terrible things were until the very end of the relationship. Something finally clicked, and I "woke up" to the fact that my life and my baby's were in danger. Looking back, I see that my mind was actively engaged in denial; it was a daily requirement. Perhaps my mind did this in order to divert attention from the horrors surrounding me. I've read that the road to homicide is paved with denial. I'm sure that road is well traveled by many abused women.

In addition to my denial, I also didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. All I had imprinted on my subconscious was my abusive father. Clearly he wasn't a good role. And I was always told that he loved me "in his own way." He loved me, yet he abused me; he loved me, yet he abandoned me. Because of this, I equated love with being abused. The message I internalized was that love was cruel, harsh, and punitive.

Another family member also taught me a twisted view of love. She would call me names and constantly put me down. Yet she claimed to "love" me, her little "good for nothing." The message I received from this was that love entailed constantly being criticized and humiliated. Love meant having no rights; love was conditional. I came to believe that it was my responsibility to stop the maltreatment; if only I could measure up and be good for something, I'd no longer be mistreated.

For so many years I carried all these elusive feelings just below my surface of understanding. It took the birth of my child to make me realize that it wasn't my fault my father went away; I am not responsible for another's actions. Daddies don't leave because their babies are bad. They leave because of something inside themselves, and no matter how "perfect" anyone is, nothing is going to make them change. My baby was exceptionally good natured, yet my ex still wasn't impelled to be kind and non-abusive.

Fittingly, my divorce was final on my birthday. Ah, rebirth! I am stronger and healthier now; I'll never take on another's dysfunctional baggage again. It's his/her problem to solve, not mine! I like the new me. I am wiser, deeper, and more compassionate; yet I'm also more fearful. Fearful of the day my ex will find us. I always carry with me the thought of my last day on earth; it will probably be my child's last day on earth as well. The last person we will see is him - raging and out of control. He will finally control us again by the ultimate abuse - homicide. This haunting fear is the prison I now must live in for the rest of my life.

[Note: I no longer live in fear. I have no reason to believe my ex is any less dangerous, but I won't let him control me and my feelings anymore].